im having a threesome with these popsicles
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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