How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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