there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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