the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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