He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
