is your mom at the bar?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
