SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize