I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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