You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize