this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
