Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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