after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
