I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
