there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
