I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
