i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
