Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
