thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
