12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
