im six kinds of drunk right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
