i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
