I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
