So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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