I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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