apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
