I smell stomach acid.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
