u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
