Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
