i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I did not marry a roomba.
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