i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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