Pappa wants mamma naked
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
