I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
smell my finger.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
