If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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