She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
