My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
