i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
