Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
