no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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