he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
