Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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