my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
