I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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