a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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