I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
