fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
