Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
