Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize