Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
