I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
