I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
