I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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