Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
