You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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