whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
