saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
