Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
