He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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