So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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