my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We got so high we made milksteak
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
