i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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