Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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