I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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