Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
