i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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